DragonBlessed

I love this apartment. I love finally going to bed every night warm and protected and content, no longer waking up with that sense of disoriented longing, no longer trudging through every day hating everything because I can't do anything with him. Tomorrow will be nine months, which doesn't actually sound like that long, but within that time period this person has gone from a pretty stranger I was certain would never reciprocate my crush to being the focal point of my universe, my partner, the most competent and capable and motivated teammate.

I still think about him every moment. I never thought I could love someone this earnestly. I feel so perfectly alive now that I can be with him.

-DB

How can I miss someone so much, who hurt me so badly? I spent the entire time at his house reliving the horror of that day and remembering when, standing outside the front fence, he looked me in the eyes and told me "I don't want to go" (meaning "I don't want to go home with you and meet your parents, I want to stay here with my ex who was horrible to you and let my family manipulate me against you, I want to remain with people who hate you for no reason and make you drive three hours with tears in your eyes thinking you can't be alone again"). I kept remembering the bang of the front door and his sister shouting JOHN and I remember the way her voice sounded, so smooth and confident, so much everything I'm incapable of being. I remember when I finally mustered the courage to stand up for myself and she laughed at me, a sound smooth like the rest of her but so cruel, so taunting, like this dissidence was what she'd wanted all along

I feel so distant from myself and the more I think about it the more I realize I've left behind.
I used to... care about things. I used to be bright and vibrant and interesting.
This is all like a horrible nightmare. It's distant from me when I'm home, but this storm of negativity will not leave and I don't know if I even have the energy to want it to leave.

On Tuesday my creative writing professor, who's awesome and whom I've talked to in his office before, told me he wanted to speak with me on Thursday. Aaaand so today I went to his office and he said my latest story was extremely dark, and then he asked me if I was okay, and
yeah, I cried in my professor's office today. >_< I tried to tell him I was fine but he didn't even believe me and told me his heartbreaking tragic story and told me to go seek help because it saved his life. And it was like he just found that little, weak, terrified piece of me and pushed on it until it broke and I was left sitting there crying while he told me I owed it to myself to be more than 'fine'.

And I was trying to devise some way to let him know how bloody MUCH I appreciated having someone look past all of those disguises we put up around ourselves, when I realized that the most logical way to thank him was to actually heed his advice. So I'm going to.

-DB

For whatever reason I decided to go back through all of my ancient facebook stuff that's now accessible thanks to timeline. Hooray for dredging up a past I didn't think I cared to dwell on. And can I just say how strange it is to receive such a vivid image of yourself from the past, that it feels like they're staring at you through time and judging you? And you feel abruptly ashamed and horrible for the choices you've made and the things you've done, and you see all the pieces of that old self you've shed along the way and all the people you left behind without a backward glance... And think about how uncomplicated (and unhappy, but) your life was back then, and look at all the unbelievably daunting decisions and developments lying before you, and your courage forsakes you, and you're alone, staring directly into who you were.

Eventually I'll learn to stop delving back into that past. I'm not an awkward, isolated, malcontent teenager anymore. I'm not that sheltered and judgmental person who never experienced anything because she was too afraid. I'm an adult person now kinda, _{no longer an option for virgin sacrifices}, I have an internship and a future maybe. But sometimes I feel like I'm still that scared and lonely high schooler sitting in her room listening to Linkin Park and wondering what else there could possibly be out there for me.

I don't know. I feel weird now.

-DB

Subtitled AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH DDD

1. I shook every band members' hand, and when Mathias reached out to grab my hand he gave me like five seconds of uninterrupted eye contact. Just staring into his beautiful blue eyes... /swoon
2. I didn't know who Gus G was before last night but holy crap he's beautiful. And he was standing right in front of us and every time we made eye contact I'd smile and he'd grin back at me with his BEAUTIFUL FACE also he's crazy talented?? SO MANY SOLOS
3. I MET OLLI VANSKA

... I'm pretty sure the Marquis is just a magical place where dreams come true. We'd just left the venue and were walking around back to get to my car, and I saw Olli step out of the back door--and then I heard his muffled curse and he turned and ducked back in as soon as he'd seen us. xD But I plaintively called out for him and he reappeared! And took a picture with me! And was completely friendly and asking us if we'd enjoyed the show and thanked me for coming to see them EVERY SINGLE TIME they're in Denver. It just strikes me that he could've been so sullen and cold because, well, he came outside to smoke and instead was accosted by a fan, but instead he was just... so... NICE.

That's what sets the band apart for me, that willingness to go beyond just playing music. Also they played Rasputin again. Also my everything hurts. And I'm going to another concert tonight. ... I have four Turisas shirts now.

-DB